Local Woman Terrifies Potential Dates with Sideshow Talents


Boulder, CO - Local woman Rachel X has been found vehemently pursuing a variety of inane, senseless talents, a.k.a. stupid human tricks, however much it should be apparent that these talents lead to no life-quality enhancement whatsoever.  An anonymous friend of X believes she is using these talents as a way to compensate for and distract herself from her pathetic love life.  Ironically, they are proving freaky enough in and of themselves to scare away potential dates.

X is already infamous among her friends and foes alike for her toe-vise, which consists of ruthlessly clamping a person's flesh between her digits of steel and then laughing innocently as if didn't expect to actually hurt the person.  "After all, who is really capable of hurting someone with their toes?" she said.  It was a new discovery for X, however, that she could actually unbutton a shirt with her toes.  "I've got some pretty amazing toes," she remarked giddily.  She took a large swig of her cognac and a long puff on her cigar.  "I suppose it would have been more exciting if the shirt were actually on a man's body," she said in a muffled snarfle into the golden liquid, promptly choking on it and spraying the bartender with the contents of her mouth.  In a subsequent episode, X did, in fact, discover that she was able to fully undress a man, belt buckle included, with her toes, declining however to comment on the aftermath of said event.

X has also been practicing blowing smoke rings and tying cherry stems into knots in her mouth.  Eager to display her expertise, she spent half an hour forcing a limp, mangled stem into a twist with her tongue, unwittingly luring skeezy hunchbacked hairy men and at the same time scaring away all the nice young men with her freaky oral gymnastics.  X finished the series of endeavors with a bang when she stood up and stretched her back into a horrifying shape more bendy than a wet macaroni.  Upon her exit, a particular gentleman remarked, "I thought about asking her for her number, but who wants to go out with the sideshow?"


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