Local Woman Attempts to Off Herself with Office Equipment
Cube Hell - The local woman known as Rachel X who has recently been known to wreak havoc on her office community with desk supplies has now staged a series of dramatic suicide attempts. Is she so tired of fed-ex-ing things that she has decided to ex herself? Or is this just a desperate attempt to communicate the incommunicable to her oblivious office mates? X comments on her situation. "I realized one day that it wouldn't be long before the pulsating fluorescent lights and the vapors from everyone's disgusting lunches do me in. So I might as well just be more dramatic about it and make a statement, since I'm already about to die."
This past week X has been found attempting suicide through a series of increasingly brutal methods. One coworker reported finding X trying to laminate her face. Another heard a series of shouts of "One, two, three, go!" and found X working up the courage to chop off her head with the paper cutter. "I got her away from it with only an inch-deep gash on the back of her neck, which really wasn't too bad," was the only available comment.
The final blow came when X went into a frenzied state of self-mutilation, stapling her fingers again and again with the electric stapler and performing self-tattoos of statements like "WORK BLOWS" with medium sized ball-point pens. "I told her I felt it was inappropriate for her to express her feelings this way," said the coworker who found her stapling and tattooing herself. "After all, we try to preserve the harmony in our office environment. We don't need such lurid expressions as 'work blows.' As I was telling her this, she suddenly leapt up and ran to her cube, where she hung herself with a noose fabricated from her mouse cord. None of us can decide what this means."
X was rescued from the noose before death took hold, and she is currently medicated, in leg irons, and back at work. "I suppose this kind of violent behavior ought to merit psychiatric treatment," said an anonymous superior, "but no one can send fed-exes quite the way she can."
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