L.A. Man Designs Help-Van to Get Damsels

LOS ANGELES – In a frenzy of delusion and charitable mania, Los Angeles man Jorge Longview, a self-proclaimed “drive by problem-solver,” has taken it upon himself to dispense unsolicited advice to a medley of unsuspecting Facebook friends. “It’s really taken off,” Longview says of his new venture. “These damsels in distress, they just call to me. They appear on my timeline, as if someone meant for me to solve their problems.”

Longview describes a variety of carfuffles he has, with his expert savvy, successfully mediated. “Well, first, there was my friend Rachel, who was suffering from writer’s block, and was considering hitting the bottle as the only way to release her trapped thoughts. So I wrote to her, ‘The Drunk (Recalled) History of Rachel X has a certain panache to it. It also allows for tons of plausible deniability and wiggle room:)’ Now not only can she feel free to drink and write at the same time, she can write about whomever she wants without fear of legal repercussions." Longview admits that while he does not have any actual legal knowledge, he is pretty sure that his advice is sound. "I like to add smiley faces,” Longview continues. “I think it adds a nice touch.”
 

Immediately post posting, Longview felt so invigorated with goodwill that he scrolled through his entire list of friends alphabetically to see which other damsels needed de-stressing. “Since everybody overshares their problems online nowadays,” Longview explains, “there’s no shortage of work. This might even become a full-time job.” When asked what his favorite piece of helpful advice was, Longview pauses for a minute. “Well, there was the time that my friend Jane was being hit on by her boss. They all work in cubicles with no doors, so I encouraged her to retaliate by infecting his computer with a porn virus. Then there’s my other friend, whose boyfriend spends 45 minutes every day sitting on the toilet with the door open. He even did it when her mother came to visit. So I suggested she rub chili peppers on the seat.”
 

When asked how he gets his inspiration for these moments of genius, Longview simply says, “It just comes to me. The damsels call, I answer.” Longview is now taking his virtual helpline to the streets, with his new neighborhood van service, Drive By Problem Solver. Longview's van sports a new snappy logo, complete with matching t-shirt and hat. “Basically, sometimes I’m driving around with a bag of chips, looking out for anybody in trouble, like a lady carrying groceries, and I pull over and offer to give her a lift. See, it would be weird if it was just some guy. But now I’ve got this van. And I've also got this hat. So if Drive By Problem-Solver pulls over and offers to help her carry her groceries, she’ll know it’s okay.”

 

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