Toxic Peanut Butter OD a Risk-Turned-Reality for Local Woman
Cube Hell - An anonymous woman from CU recently revealed her shocking story concerning her close call with a peanut butter overdose this past week. The woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, shall be for the purposes of our story called “Rachel X.” Ms. X, who according to her co-workers ingests “mind-boggling” amounts of peanut butter a day, and little else, is known to be this very minute at a rehab facility attempting to restore proper lining and functioning to her digestive system. Rehab exercises are rumored to include drinking vinegar "like it’s booze" to cleanse away the crusty peanut residue, and attempting to swallow then regurgitate a golf ball in order to desensitize the gag reflex muscles, which have in X’s case been inflamed from swallowing excessive amounts of the nutty goo.
One Samuel Hewes, X’s coworker, is to credit for the daring rescue of X. “I found her in the break room, with a glazed look in one eye, slumped over her usual jar of peanut butter. I asked if she was okay, and she hurled the jar at my face. That’s when I knew something was wrong.”
Hewes is known to have dragged X from the scene by the ankles, and knowing there wasn’t time to spare, pumped her stomach himself, as by lucky coincidence he had a bicycle pump in the back of his Volkswagon Rabbit.
A second co-worker, Joe Frank, whose mama taught him never to waste food, had the thoughtful idea of scraping up the spilt peanut butter and retaining it in a plastic ziplock for X’s return to the office. “Hey, it’s not my fault if that’s all she eats,” he allegedly said. We thought friends don't let friends, Frankie.
When questioned about her peanut butter habits, X simply replied, “If your cats had peed all over your house for two days straight and you had a peeping tom at 3:30 in the morning and were moving and hadn’t had time to go to the store, you’d eat peanut butter, too. How should I know you can overdose?”
All readers should note: peanut butter overdose is a condition, up till now unheard of, resulting from excessive consumption of the butter, leading to toxic levels of niacin and riboflavin. Symptoms may include listlessness, a glazed look in one eye, aggression, and in extreme cases such as X’s, a leakage of nutty brown goo from the pores. It is not to be confused with Ebola, which involves the leakage of bloody black goo from the pores. In cases of peanut butter overdose, pump the patient’s stomach with a bicycle pump, and then flood the system with a mixture of sand and water, a mildly abrasive solution, to remove excess particles.
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