LOS ANGELES – In a frenzy of delusion and charitable mania, Los Angeles man Jorge Longview, a self-proclaimed “drive by problem-solver,” has taken it upon himself to dispense unsolicited advice to a medley of unsuspecting Facebook friends. “It’s really taken off,” Longview says of his new venture. “These damsels in distress, they just call to me. They appear on my timeline, as if someone meant for me to solve their problems.”
Boulder, CO - Local women are forming a rally in attempt to install a fucker deflector at the border of Planet Boulder to minimize the number of dumb fucks who shouldn't be allowed to come near female-kind. As of yet, their petition to the city is pending, due to complications regarding the already large population of fuckers infecting the town.
Boulder, CO - Local woman Rachel X has been found vehemently pursuing a variety of inane, senseless talents, a.k.a. stupid human tricks, however much it should be apparent that these talents lead to no life-quality enhancement whatsoever. An anonymous friend of X believes she is using these talents as a way to compensate for and distract herself from her pathetic love life. Ironically, they are proving freaky enough in and of themselves to scare away potential dates.
Boulder, CO- Local woman Rachel X's attempts to reestablish healthy eating patterns were foiled today when she left her lunches for the coming week on the bus. "My stew! My stew is on the damn bus!" X said, wistfully gazing toward the street in memory of the clearly glorious comestibles.
Cube Hell - An anonymous woman from CU recently revealed her shocking story concerning her close call with a peanut butter overdose this past week. The woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, shall be for the purposes of our story called “Rachel X.” Ms. X, who according to her co-workers ingests “mind-boggling” amounts of peanut butter a day, and little else, is known to be this very minute at a rehab facility attempting to restore proper lining and functioning to her digestive system.
Cube Hell - The local woman known as Rachel X who has recently been known to wreak havoc on her office community with desk supplies has now staged a series of dramatic suicide attempts. Is she so tired of fed-ex-ing things that she has decided to ex herself? Or is this just a desperate attempt to communicate the incommunicable to her oblivious office mates? X comments on her situation. "I realized one day that it wouldn't be long before the pulsating fluorescent lights and the vapors from everyone's disgusting lunches do me in. So I might as well just be more dramatic about it and make a statement, since I'm already about to die."
Cube Hell- In one twisted series of events, several co-workers of one Rachel X were left critically wounded by a barrage of flying pencils from the arsenal in X's cubicle. "I'd seen her with boxes of pencils at the electric sharpener for days," said an anonymous office-mate, "but I just thought she was getting anal like the rest of us. How was I to know she had something so drastic up her sleeve?"
Boulder, CO - A local man known as Joe Frank just can’t get enough of his Sealy mattress. Reports have been made that Frank has shamelessly spread Sealy propaganda throughout his place of work, in hopes of selling his beloved mattress.
Boulder, CO - Local woman Rachel X apparently gave her friend Jared Hamlet a "Van Gogh" haircut yesterday, euphemizing the fact that Jared is now missing half an ear on his left side.
A local woman known to the general populace as Rachel X, and to a particular circle of friends as "the girl," artfully broke her toe tripping over her own shoes this morning. One of the creepy tresspassers-by of the weedy area behind her apartments described the event: